It really freaked me out when my therapist asked me what my suicide plan was. I don’t have one and I don’t intend on killing myself. But it made me realise how I must come across in our sessions, how dark my head is and how hard I find it to manage. I get suicidal thoughts all the time, I think life would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t around, it would solve a lot of problems.
I don’t want to die though; I just don’t want to be me.
I could be standing on the platform waiting for the train and it will just pop into my head, how easy it would be to just lean forward and let gravity do the rest. Or that I could run into the road instead of waiting at the crossing for the little green man. That it would all just go away.
Whenever someone kills themselves, you will always hear people saying how it’s the coward’s way out or how could they do that to their kids?
The lead singer of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington, killed himself in 2017, he had six children. Shortly after his death a video emerged of him laughing and joking with his family thirty-six hours before he hung himself. He looked happy.
I can completely understand why someone would kill themselves, even if they have kids, I can understand how on the outside you may look and act happy but, on the inside, it’s just, black.
It’s not cowardly, it’s desperation, in that moment it seems logical. It will fix everything. It doesn’t feel real, you won’t actually die, you’ll just kill that part of you. But in reality, you don’t wake up, your kids or your partner will find you and they have to deal with it.
I don’t know why I haven’t killed myself. I’ve thought about it enough times. I’d love to say it’s because of my kids, it could well be, I don’t know. But, as I mentioned above, and also in the diary, part of me doesn’t believe it’s real. Ever since I wrote that entry in the diary, I’ve been trying to understand what I mean by that, or how I could explain it to someone in a way that would make sense. I am intelligent and sane enough to know that if I hung myself or jumped in front of a train I will die. But the insane part of me, the part that struggles with reality, just thinks its bullshit. I wouldn’t die, nothing would happen, it wouldn’t cure anything, I’d just wake up and feel exactly the same. Almost like in a computer game.
Luckily, the sane part of me has enough control to not let me test that theory.
I came close though, twice, around the same time I was hurting myself. I wanted to know what it felt like to hang yourself. So, I tied a scarf to my curtain pole and the other end around my neck. I made it short enough that I could sit on the floor and just lift my legs up, just enough so I would hang. The thought of dying hadn’t even entered my head, it wasn’t a suicide attempt, although my therapist disagreed when I told her. It was all about understanding what it felt like. As soon as I lifted my legs and bum off the floor, the curtain pole fell down, I was too heavy. Who knows what would have happened if I wasn’t?
The point is though, the dying part wasn’t even considered, I’d convinced myself it was almost an experiment, curiosity to experience what it felt like. And afterwards I would have untied myself and got back on my bed. In reality I understand now it was an attempt, I wouldn’t have been able to untie myself and just get back into bed. But my brain switched reality off, not being aware of what it really was.
The second one, wasn’t an attempt, more of a test, it was around the same time, I have a feeling it was in the same week. I had a bottle of cough medicine on the table next to my bed and I decided to pour the whole thing in to a pint glass. As a test, to see if when I got home fucked up, would I drink it. I never did. I came close a few times.
It’s not always suicidal thoughts though, I fantasise a lot about something happening to me, being attacked mainly. I could be walking home from the station and see someone walking towards me and I’ll start fantasising about them stabbing me or beating me to death. It’s a daily occurrence.
Partly because it would give me an excuse, someone else doing it for me. Partly because I want to know how I’d react, could I defend myself? Would I win? But mainly because I am self-destructive and I constantly feel like I need to punish myself, that I need to be hurt. I want to be hurt. Every time I walk somewhere or go out, I want it to happen. I don’t go looking for trouble, I’m not one of those guys, but I will it to happen.
The thought of dying doesn’t scare me, it almost excites me. Partly because I don’t believe it’s real, partly because I am curious to find out what happens when we die. I don’t know why I think like this, I know it’s not right, healthy or normal. But it’s the way I am, and so far, nothing has changed that.
Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon, fantasising about being hurt or attacked is not uncommon. Especially for people with mental health issues or disorders. It’s part of who we are and the way we are wired. It doesn’t mean we are going to do anything about it, but the risk is there and we need to take that seriously and be self-aware. I don’t want anything in this book to be a trigger, but I am aware enough that it could be. If you have a plan, or have thought about suicide or hurting yourself then put this book down and speak to someone. Do not chance it, do not wait until it’s too late. You will die, it’s not a game, you won’t just wake up, there are no do-overs. People love you and they will help you.
Speak to a friend, parent, partner, doctor or call one of these helplines:
The Samaritans - 116 123
SANEline - 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day)
NHS – 111
Or there are websites that can help like Mind.org.uk or again the NHS.