I haven’t yet met anyone else with BPD, not to my knowledge anyway, so I have no idea if BPD is the same for everyone. I doubt it. There’s got to be similarities I’m sure, things we have in common. But I’m guessing we each have our own version of BPD, nuances that are specific to us individually.
I have no idea how mine compares to someone else’s, if there was a scale, I have no idea where mine would be on it. It could be quite moderate or it could be up there with the worst. I have no idea. What I do know is that I fucking hate it. I have no idea how I’m going to manage this for the rest of my life. I wish someone could just cut it out of me or give me a magic pill. I wish it was that simple. But it’s not. I hate that there is no cure and we just have to ‘manage it’ day in and day out. Why should we? Why do we have to be the ones? What did we do to deserve this?
Since I was diagnosed, I can feel it, I can physically feel my BPD. The feeling has always been there but I had no idea what it was. It’s hard to describe, but it almost feels like I have an extra layer or an energy around me, the slightest of tingles. It’s heavier on the back of my head and across my shoulders. Always there, constant, reminding me it’s here to stay.
I wish it would fuck off.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it never lets up. For me it is daily, a second by second occurrence. I am not allowed to forget; I have no idea what ‘normal’ feels like. All I know is this and I hate the fact it will always be like this, forever, until the day I die.
The thought of that fucks me off and scares the shit out of me at the same time. Why can’t it go? Why can’t there be a cure? Why do we have to have something that will never go away? I’m getting angry just typing this out. What if I get worse? What’s going to happen when someone close to me dies? Like my parents for example. Am I going to fucking lose it completely and just check out of reality?
It’s not fucking fair. I don’t want this. I never asked for it.